I got this really touching and heart-breaking email from a listener recently. I think it’s worth realizing what an uphill battle adoption can be at times:
Dear Tracie,
I was referred to you by my trainer. She thought you might be able to help. I started listening to the podcasts, but I haven’t heard this topic discussed yet, so if it has, please direct me to that show.
We lost our dog over a year ago so after we thought enough time had passed and we were ready again, we went to a shelter here in MD to get another one. We found a beautiful lab, chow, <insert numerous breeds here> that had everything. The woman running the shelter said he was a bit shy, but we figured we could do right by him. Keep in mind that dogs are not furniture at our house, they are valued members of the family. Our last dog was our first “childâ€. She lived to see 16 years.
Anyway, we got him home, named him Indy and made sure he wanted for nothing. He got somewhat comfortable and began eating; putting on some much needed weight. The vet said he was fine and healthy.
The only trouble is he hates me. He loves my wife and kids, but avoids me at all costs. He will pee if I come near him when he lacks an escape route. He is not aggressive towards me but just doesn’t like me. (It’s not just me – it seems to be all men) I took him to obedience classes, and while he does what I say when on the leash, you can tell it’s because of fear and not the desire to please me. He has a scar in the middle of his cheat that the vet could not identify, but said it was healed correctly. I’m not sure what happened to this sweet little guy, but it would seem that it was at the hands of a man or men.
I give him treats (I cook bacon for him – his favorite treat), I take him for walks, I just walk by and pet and tell him he’s a good boy. He will sometimes take the treat from me if I reach out to him. He will never come to me and if I hold him, he is looking for a way out. I am willing to give him the time he needs, but I don’t want to miss something I could be doing to make sure he knows that I am not a bad guy and all men are not monsters.
We wanted to adopt another dog, but I don’t want to freak him out further than he is. He gets along well with my sister in laws dog. They play out in the yard like brothers. Until he sees me.
Anyway, if there is some resource I could tap into, I would really be appreciative. He seems very much worth the effort, but I am afraid that I am out my league with this sort of thing. I have never encountered a dog that didn’t like me before, which is why it’s so odd.
Thanks,
Keith
MY REPLY BACK TO KEITH WAS:
So glad you got in touch – and sorry for your frustration.
My first impressions are that
1) Indy is more like a cat – you have to let him come to you
2) It’s nothing personal – it IS about you being a man (just as you surmised) – he doesn’t hate you, he’s terrified and untrusting of men
3) The shelter should really have done some work with him so you would have known this going in and either been willing to put your personal feelings & pleasure aside for a while or you might not have – but now he’s yours!
4) Do not try to hug or hold or confine with affection – i have a dog adopted 4 years ago who can only barely tolerate a very brief hug- its threatening to her
Please call into Dog Talk and keep me updated – this is going to have a happy ending, just not a quick one!
As for another dog, YES! I think a really “love-bug†kind of dog will show Indy that people are to be trusted and can be fun. It also might help build his confidence. But make sure you take Indy with you to make the choice of what dog comes home.
I highly recommend you read that section of THE DOG BIBLE for suggestions on making that journey successfully
Allison Denlea of Paws for Positive Training is the Official Trainer of Dog Talk and a super person – if you live anywhere from Manhattan to Montauk she will come work with you – her number is 631-368-8046. If not, this is her message to you through me – I shared your email with her
Hi Tracie,
I’m sure it’s a very hard thing for Keith, as he sounds like a true dog-lover. Indy sounds like he is an aloof dog, who prefers the company of women and children – there are dogs that do, for no apparent reason – they just do.
Keith needs to keep in mind that Indy is submissive – without seeing it, I can’t call it “fear”. There is a difference between avoidance and fear.
Keith needs patience, needs to NOT hold Indy, NOT reach toward him, and not force the situation. He DOES need to continue working with the dog with his obedience, taking him for walks, feeding, quiet praise, without eye contact or body language that Indy would think is threatening. If Keith is the only one in the house that takes care of Indy’s survival (i.e. meals) and Keith has him sit and wait for his food, then releases him, he will gradually come around. Keith just needs to understand not ALL dogs love us at first sight!
Allison
