Cat Humor Page
Petting Chart: Dogs vs Cats
Give Me 15 More Minutes & I'll Get Up
If cats could get by on just 17 hours of sleep a day, they'd rule the world.
Dog Diary vs. Cat Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order To keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
This is how I heard YOUR day was going!!!
First you had trouble getting out of bed
You had a stiff neck
You washed your hair and couldn't do a thing with it
Your new diet really doesn't seem to be working out
You pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise
Your new hat looked better on you at the store
You keep losing things
The boss chewed you out at work
You got caught in the rain at lunchtime
Then the lunch you had didn't seem to agree with you
You feel trapped
Uninvited guests showed up at dinnertime
On top of that you think you're coming down with the flu
And finally, you're alone in the house at night when you think you hear a noise in the basement
MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER!!
25 Ways to Improve Your Health
1.) Brush twice a day!
Find the 24 other reasons on the Dog Talk® Humor Page...
This is what 'Pissed Off' REALLY Looks Like. . .
I snitched this from www.Bellashouseandpets.com
Danielle Vasta is a great award-winning pet sitter who's been on both shows
Have laugh on her:
* If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug.
* Determine quickly which guests hates cats, or are allergic. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much better.
* For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs select colors that contrast with your own.
* Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
* For guests who say they love cats, be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip at the ankles. Don't forget to hiss.
* Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it.
* You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather or mosquito season.
* If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
* For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being moved for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
* For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
* Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train (except Terriers and Shih Tzus)
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
STARE INTO THE CAT'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS
Then Scroll Down
NOW STARE IN THE PUPPY'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS ...
Cats & Music Appreciation
FROM THE INTERNET HUMOR FILE
(Depending on your connection speed, animated images
may take a few moments to load.)
Cat listening to Stevie Wonder
Cat listening to HOUSE music
Cat listening to Metal
Cat listening to Hip Hop
Cat listening to GANGSTA RAP
Cat listening to Techno(on Ecstasy)
Tracie welcomes any and all questions about cats AND dogs on both her live radio shows. Call Wednesdays 8-9 PM (EST) to CAT CHAT 866-675-6675. (You don't need to have Sirius to call in!)